Jillian Barberie makes me want to projectile vomit.

Moving to a new city means you have get used to lots of new things. Things like new freeways, restaurants, people, grocery stores, murder rates. Also on that list is new news. For the past 23 years of my lovely little life I've been soothed by the calming newscasts of car-thefts and meth stings in Fresno, so after I got to LA I had to find a good newscast to present the events of crazy LA, and one of the first ones I previewed was Fox. Fox reporters/anchors tend to be a little more unrestricted and casual in their presentation, which is nice, up to a certain degree. I don't want my news people lecturing me with Ben Stein monotony, but I also don't want them belching on camera. I want a personable yet professional reporter giving me my news. But when I watched Fox there was a whole other ballgame with Jillian Barberbie: the antithesis to everything good and right in news broadcasting.

For those of you lucky enough to not live in LA, Jillian Barberie is the obnoxious assclown that is one part of the tripartite Fox 11 morning show, Good Day LA. Tabloid annoyance Dorothy Lucey and neutral old guy Steve Edwards finishes off the awkward threesome for a strange mix between scathing, menopausal bitchiness and unscripted, mindless banter. You also may know Barberie as the scratchy-voiced crackwhore that farted out the weather on the Fox NFL Sunday show in 2000. She doesn't exactly belch on air, but she talks about it. And her ass. And how she thinks she cool with every celebrity in Hollywood. Now, back in Fresno we had quality news reporters like John Wallace, Nick Ryan, Kim Stephens, and a truly hot anchorlady, Heidi Watney. Heidi is best known for pissing off Bill Murray at a Pebble Beach golf tournament where he called Kopi a loser. Bill just wasn't being a jerk; Kopi really is a loser. And Heidi Watney is pretty hot. And Nick Ryan molested little boys, but if you're not from Fresno you'd never know my Nick Ryan reference was sarcasm. But now you know, and you're a better person for it.

But the real story here is not about the baldness Kopi is trying so hard to disguise or Heidi's acctractiveness, but about how much Jillian sucks. And also how much she looks like a foot. For instance, a couple months ago she brought on her tiny novelty dog and drank her coffee from a silver chalice. Apparently she's a humanitarian and saves retarded poodles--which is fine--but no self-respecting, professional news person would bring a dog on-air to display just for the hell of it. She's basically the Paris Hilton of the broadcasting world, just a little older and has a bigger wang. She is manageable in small doses--like if you don't have to hear or look at her--but once she comes on screen and opens her mouth, it's unadulterated, unrelenting verbal flatulence. And apparently the gas is contagious and easily soaked up by her dim-witted fans. The proceeding quote was taken from the ultimatejillianbarberieclub on Yahoo groups:

"TO DAY IN THE MORNIG I SEEN JILLIAN LOOKING VERY GOOD THAN BEFORE SHE HAS A LITTLE BIT BURN BUT SHE STILL LOOK VERY HOT I GALD THAT SHE IS FINALY BACK I REALLY MISS HER."

I'm aware that my half-assed criticism has been about how she looks or how retarded she sounds, without really giving any examples. And I probably won't, other than quoting her moronic fans or drawing attention to her monstrous package. There are plenty of people out there that look far more slutty and/or ridiculous than Jillian Barberie, I suppose my whole problem with her is that she's one of those women who think she's hot because lots of horny dudes said they'd bang her, and because of her newfound knowledge she gratuitously shows off her cans and dresses like a Beverly Hills harlot, AND that she displays it so gratutitously on TV. Reporting the news or weather or whatever it is that she reports should insist on at least a moderate level of class and professionalism, but she blows the hinges right off that door every time she flaunts her rawhide boobs and yaps about guys touching her 40 year old ass on air.

So what it basically comes down to, is this: I think Jillian Barberie has a penis.